o, my remedial colon {a poem that has nothing to do with punctuation marks}

It's true: I have no shame. If you read my post about the smoothies and fiber, then you know exactly what I mean.

Ahem ...



My colon is remedial,
I cannot tell a lie.
Some of you might cringe now
Or roll your eyes and sigh.

I’m giving you fair warning
So if you want it, now’s your chance
To stand right up or turn and run
Without a second glance.

Some girls dream of riches
And others dream of fame,
Or handsome men or shopping sprees,
And them I cannot blame.

Today my dreams are smaller
And simple to the core:
A functioning digestive system,
I ask for nothing more.

I never thought I’d say this,
But I now declare it’s true:
All I want is nothing more
Than to have a normal poo.

I’m weary of the bloating
The puffiness and the pain;
I’d like a trip to the bathroom
That does not involve much strain.

I’d really be quite thrilled –
I might do a little dance
If things would move and once again
I could fit inside my pants;

If I could go to the doctor
And without a second thought
Avoid the fine details
Of my time upon the pot.

If I could just be normal,
“Regular” some might say,
Scarce would I be able
To keep my joy at bay.

I’d tell you all about it,
You would be sure to know
There’d be a lightness in my voice,
And to my face, a glow.

But for now it’s mine to try
Every laxative known to man:
Powders, pills, and flaxseeds
With my fiber-full eating plan.

Miralax and slippery elm,
Psyllium and dried plum;
Smooth move tea and senna leaf
All moved through my bum.

I don’t care where it comes from,
What it is that makes it move,
So long as I am able
To get back into a groove.

On the outside I look healthy,
Young and full of joie de vivre,
But on the inside I think I just had
Birthday number ninety-three.

And so I sigh and moan all day,
Praying for the end
To this profound constipation
Which is nothing like a friend.

I’m swelling to my limits,
The bloating is quite a sight.
If these aids don’t work, I just might need
A stick of dynamite.

And so my dear intestine,
I beg you to cooperate
To get in gear and do your job,
To free the padlocked gate.

I’m doing everything I can
To give what you require,
To be gentle in my coaxing,
To move the stubborn mire.

I’d really be so thankful,
I want it more than wealth
If you would let me live and move,
Enjoying better health.

I guess I’m done, the poem is over
There’s nothing more to do,
But hope and pray and watch and wait
For the perfect number two.


:o)

yo ho!! yo ho!! a pirate's life for me ...

Late last week, Kaari and I were both in agreement that we needed a lazy day.

Our timbers were thoroughly shivered, you might say.

And what better way to spend a lazy day at home than to invite Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom to the party?

Our mission:

1. Stay home.
2. Wear pajamas all day.

3. Make it through all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

4. Eat pirate-appropriate food while doing it (that also happens to be gluten-free and dairy-free).

Arrr, mateys!!

Every good pirate starts her

day with Starrrrrrrrbucks. Arrr ...

... and really bad eggs (aka, "breakfast")

For our breakfast, Kaari made gluten-free pancakes with chocolate chips. Sticking with our pirate theme, we christened them Black Pearl Pancakes.

Arrrr ...

Black Pearl Pancakes

1 cup rice flour
1 cup soy milk

1 egg

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

Mix it together with yer pirate hook or a whisk will do just fine, whatever floats your boat or pirate ship.

Pour the batter onto the hot skillet and add a few chocolate morsels (aka Black Pearls) and "avast"... you have yourselves some tasty Black Pearl Pancakes for you and yer mateys.

Arrrr ... do I sound like a swashbuckling, Buccaneer baker to you?

Treasure Chest Snacks

Because we were nibbling throughout the day, we really didn't have much of a lunch. But we did have some seeded treats appropriate to our Caribbean theme. Using the same recipe that is posted here, I used chopped dried papaya, chopped dried pineapple, coconut shreds, pumpkin seeds, flax seeds, and sunflower seeds.

We also had also plundered some slightly-less-than-healthy booty because hey ... pirates wouldn't be pirates if they followed the rules all the time.

Pieces of Eight Seeded Treats

Mix all ingredients in a large bowl and coat well with brown rice syrup.

Add a splash of tropical-flavored juice.

Bake for 20 minutes at 300 degrees.

Once cooled, cut into desired size and turn over.

Bake for another 10 minutes and 300 degrees and allow to cool.

World's End (because if you're headed to Davey Jones's locker, you might as well have a good time on your way down)

Drink up, me harties, you're home!!

What pirate party would be complete without rum?? These fizzy orange drinks may be a bit too foofy for Jack & his crew (it's probably written somewhere in the pirate code that rum should not be mixed), but they do contain the required pirate ingredient, so in my mind ... they pass!

{Girlie} Pirate Drinks

1/2 c. rum

1/4 c. coconut-pineapple juice

3/4 c. carbonated mango-orange juice

Splash of lime juice

Shake well with ice.

Serve in chilled glasses and pour it down your gullet, you scallawags!!

pirate day photos by kirsten.michelle

six seconds of sisterly silliness

In honor of April Fool's day, I'd like to share the following video with you in which Kaari & I engage in a bit silliness. It should not surprise you that this was the third take.

If you really want to get rolling, here's Take #1. And here's Take #2.

Keep in mind that this video is best enjoyed with a glass of ...

pinooooooooooooooot grigiooooooooooooooo!!