o, my remedial colon {a poem that has nothing to do with punctuation marks}

It's true: I have no shame. If you read my post about the smoothies and fiber, then you know exactly what I mean.

Ahem ...



My colon is remedial,
I cannot tell a lie.
Some of you might cringe now
Or roll your eyes and sigh.

I’m giving you fair warning
So if you want it, now’s your chance
To stand right up or turn and run
Without a second glance.

Some girls dream of riches
And others dream of fame,
Or handsome men or shopping sprees,
And them I cannot blame.

Today my dreams are smaller
And simple to the core:
A functioning digestive system,
I ask for nothing more.

I never thought I’d say this,
But I now declare it’s true:
All I want is nothing more
Than to have a normal poo.

I’m weary of the bloating
The puffiness and the pain;
I’d like a trip to the bathroom
That does not involve much strain.

I’d really be quite thrilled –
I might do a little dance
If things would move and once again
I could fit inside my pants;

If I could go to the doctor
And without a second thought
Avoid the fine details
Of my time upon the pot.

If I could just be normal,
“Regular” some might say,
Scarce would I be able
To keep my joy at bay.

I’d tell you all about it,
You would be sure to know
There’d be a lightness in my voice,
And to my face, a glow.

But for now it’s mine to try
Every laxative known to man:
Powders, pills, and flaxseeds
With my fiber-full eating plan.

Miralax and slippery elm,
Psyllium and dried plum;
Smooth move tea and senna leaf
All moved through my bum.

I don’t care where it comes from,
What it is that makes it move,
So long as I am able
To get back into a groove.

On the outside I look healthy,
Young and full of joie de vivre,
But on the inside I think I just had
Birthday number ninety-three.

And so I sigh and moan all day,
Praying for the end
To this profound constipation
Which is nothing like a friend.

I’m swelling to my limits,
The bloating is quite a sight.
If these aids don’t work, I just might need
A stick of dynamite.

And so my dear intestine,
I beg you to cooperate
To get in gear and do your job,
To free the padlocked gate.

I’m doing everything I can
To give what you require,
To be gentle in my coaxing,
To move the stubborn mire.

I’d really be so thankful,
I want it more than wealth
If you would let me live and move,
Enjoying better health.

I guess I’m done, the poem is over
There’s nothing more to do,
But hope and pray and watch and wait
For the perfect number two.


:o)

vegan challenge: berry fiberlicious smoothies

Oh yeah. I'm going there.

There's no skirting around the issue. This is a post about how I got (am getting?) um ... unplugged.

More than you want to know, right?

Before I get to the recipe, I just have to provide the background and inspiration for it. I don't know if anyone else will appreciate this history, but since there is a reason behind every recipe here and this is my blog, I'm going to share it anyway.

Let me just say that in the past two years of having a malfunctioning and especially finicky digestive tract, I've learned a lot about the particular region of the body that I'll refer to as the lower digestive system (more than anyone should have to know, really) and have gotten oddly comfortable discussing the things it does and does not do. It is a major indicator of one's overall health, and especially so when digestive issues are involved. So my family doctor asks about it. My gastroenterologist asks about it. The naturopath asks about it too. Heck, even my chiropractor asks about it. So I've gotten used to paying close attention to its behavior and learned quickly to get over my really squeamy squeamishness about it.

If I've ever brought it up with you and you wish I would just shut up (or if you're reading this thinking good Lord, I wish she would stop), please accept my apologies. It's just that when this thing that wasn't working properly (and hadn't been for a long time) started working, I got a little excited. And like I said, I've gotten used to talking about it.

Wow, am I really writing this? It would seem so.

One of the side effects of my thyroid kicking back into gear again was that things started, uh ... not working quite right in that lower digestive region. In fact, there was barely any activity at all, at least not without a great deal of effort. For a little over a month. (not good)

I was just a little irritated, considering that I already have a fairly high-fiber diet. I have gluten-free steel-cut oats (fiber) with ground flaxseed (fiber), raisins, chopped almonds, and soymilk in the morning. I eat two apples with the skin every day, one in the morning and another before lunch (fiber, fiber). Especially now that they're in season, I eat a lot of raw veggies like broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, peppers, snap peas, etc. (fiber, fiber, FIBER). I eat fresh fruits. I enjoy and regularly consume legumes like black beans, lentils, and kidney beans (hello, HOLY FIBER!!).

And still, no change. What the ... ??

I tried some teas that promised the desired effect and there was a little action. But nothing to write home about (even if Mom had been willing to read such news).

I had a follow-up appointment with my naturopath on Monday and told him that while the thyroid was alive and kickin', things in that lower digestive area were a little ... uh, stopped up. When he put stethoscope to that area, he told me that I had a shocking lack of bowel sounds (who knew??) and subsequently recommended I take psyllium seed. It's the primary ingredient in some of those powdery stir-in laxatives like Metamucil. So I went to my local Co-op and got myself some whole-seed psyllium that promised some terrific bulking action. Oh yeah. Now that sounds like a good time.

Now, I'm not one to be put off of odd- or foul-tasting foods if they have legitimately healthy properties. In fact, I'll probably tell you they're positively delicious. The recommendation was to add a heaping tablespoon of the seed to juice, but I thought I'd try adding it to some raspberry tea. I won't lie to you: it was disgusting. With all that soluble fiber, it turned into a gelatinous mixture, like Jell-o that hadn't quite set yet. It was gritty and there was no getting past the musky, earthy taste of the seeds. I could barely control my gag reflex.

So I did my best to find a way to mask it and make the consumption of this not only bearable, but tasty.

And friends, I did it (finally!!, the readers exclaim in unison). Smoothies are a fabulous way to absorb nutrients quickly and a delicious way to enjoy all the summer fruit that's in season right now. I even added some Emergen-C to give it an extra added vitamin boost and a nice citrus-y zing and slight fizz to it.

One of the greatest things about smoothies is that they are very hard to screw up and very easy to make exactly the way you like. And berries (raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, etc.) are super-fabulous in that they're full of fiber in their own right, so I am getting plenty of fiber action in these babies (if I'm doing my math right, about 10-11g for a single serving).

So, without further ado, this is my favorite version of my
Berry Fiber-licious Smoothie:

Ingredients:
Frozen raspberries, approx 1/2 cup
Frozen blackberries, approx 1/2 cup
1 heaping tablespoon psyllium seed
Agave syrup (or your favorite sweetener like Stevia, honey, etc.)
Vanilla hemp milk (rice, soy, or almond milk will also do nicely)
1 packet Emergen-C (I used the tangerine flavor)
Splash sparkling mineral water (optional)

And as for alternatives ... I think it's obvious by now, but this recipe will work just fine without all the add-ins (Emergen-C, psyllium seed, sparkling mineral water) and would also work well with regular milk or orange juice. Whatever floats your boat!

Directions:
Put frozen berries in the bottom of a blender
Add psyllium seed
Drizzle with desired amount of agave syrup
Add Emergen-C powder
Cover with non-dairy milk of choice
Add mineral water (if desired)

Puree until smooth. Pour in a glass and enjoy (entirely without the seedy, gritty flavor ... hallelujah!!).

And uh yeah ... let's just say a couple of these a day and things are on their way humming right along (in fits and starts, just in case you wanted to know). And so now I gulp down my pride and dab away a single tear trailing down my cheek, think ... if I can help just one person ... [sniffles]

{yes, that was a wee bit of sarcasm} :o)

NOTE: Increasing one's fiber intake should be done gradually, and with a lot of water. For some good fiber tips, check out this site.

smoothie photos by kirsten.michelle